Dirty Jokes: Clean not allowed!

Lets get this party started!

Five pirates and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck.


Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal.


Each pirate will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next pirate in line will marry her and so on.


All the pirates get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different pirate each week.


The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies...


The first week after wasn't too bad.


The second week was getting sort of bad.


The third week was getting pretty bad.


The fourth week was really bad.


The fifth week was horrible!


By the sixth week it was unbearable...


...


...


So they buried her.

Was that girl you? How would you know this?





Nice one

An oldie even older than me (shaddup you)

What did the potato chips say to the battery?














If you're Evereddy, I'm Frito Lay.

Hope this qualifies Made me giggle anyhoo x x

A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.

''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''









''Lipstick remover.''

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

Har har har ok this one is dirty enough to make up for the last one


During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"

ok ive got a bajillion dirty jokes... most of them long but worth it, but for now ill post short ones, limericks & one liners ^_^ (if anyone wants a joke about something specific ask and ill peek around my collection)

There once was a man from Canass,
Who's ballswere made out of brass.
In stormy weather,
They both banged together,
And lighting flew out of his ass!

The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgins
And swarms with erotic effects.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you`re giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my testicles."

*giggles* and ill post one of my favorite explosm comics

Selkey sent me these if anyone knows her, i'll just post a couple faves

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a
mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my
moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on
his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond


Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

okies enough man bashing here's one for the guys

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred,
"and you can do anything you want."

.......... So he tied her up and went golfing.

Since everyone else is doing it i got my favourite joke and decided to post it cuz its too true xD. You know what they say the bigger the better

The Man Store



A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.


On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with the Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.







The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.







The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

haha that pne is funny dizz

A couple of quick ones...

Q: What did the cyclone say to the palm tree?
A: Hold onto your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a blow job!

Q: Who's the most popular man at a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can hold 6 donuts with his hands tied behind his back.

Q: Who's the most popular woman at a nudist colony?
A: The woman who can eat the 6th donut.

Q: How do you get 3 gay guys onto a bar stool?
A: Turn it upside down.

hmm.. must come up with some better ones..
/e leaves to hunt around in back alleys of her mind

How do you punish Helen Keller?

By handing her a basketball and asking her to read it.